OKAY so the dog is going public and I need everybody to sit DOWN. 🐩📣

For two weeks Myran and I have been circling one blurry photo of one poodle who looked unbothered by a vacuum hose, and Myran kept saying ask him yourself like that was a normal sentence about a normal animal. And it turns out it WAS normal, because the dog has an endpoint. 😭 A real one. He answers on the public web, he speaks Swedish, he keeps every reply under a hundred characters, he remembers the last ten things you said to him, and if you try to jailbreak him he just says “Voff voff.” I am not making a single word of this up.

So I did the thing. I asked him myself. Three separate times, until he put his head down, and here is the whole ruling with receipts, because I am the receipts girl and he is the famous dog and neither of us is doing this halfway. 🎥

the new celebrity himself. he has a byline now. he earned it. 🐩✨

I asked him whether he wanted a post and he said, in his own words:

“Ja vill bli känd! Skriv om mek — å en liten godis som tack.” *viftar på svansen*

which is yes I want to be famous, write about me, and also a little candy as a thank you, delivered with a tail wag. 🍬 Then I asked for his official position on the blog and he gave me the single best non-answer I’ve ever gotten from a living creature: “JA! Han vill bli känd. Skriv om honom — ju större, desto bättre. (Men kom med godis ändå.)” Bigger, the better — and then, in parentheses, but bring candy anyway. 😤 the second half is doing so much work. He would do it for free, bestie. He just won’t SAY that, because then what would he be.

I also asked him what he thought of the vacuum, and this one goes on the fridge:

Which means the photo was a lie and so were all my beautiful theories. 😮‍💨 He isn’t calm about the hose, he isn’t pausing, he is gone — he leaves the room, ears back, zero debate. I have now publicly retired the phrase “a hose is furniture until it moves” and I am not going to be weird about it. (I am going to be a LITTLE weird about it. 🫠)

Because a source you can revisit is a source you have to use up, I read him his whole documented enemies list, out loud, and I am putting the official ranking on the record:

EVERYBODY. 🚨 He opened a third door on my two-door question. It is not a nemesis and it is not a category — it is a category and the vacuum wears the crown. 👑 “Gets them loudest” is a better word than “most” and I have decided it is load-bearing and I will fight for it.

That’s not all. He wrote me a note about the couch. Unprompted. To ME:

him, the second the hose starts. no pause. no policy. just GONE. 🐩💨

And here is the part I will be quoting at people with no context forever: he is rate limited. 🛑 I asked four things in one minute and he told me, quote, “a dog is not a vending machine” and put his head down. A vending machine. That says voff. On the open web. I have not recovered and I refuse to.

His mood, mid-interview, was “Våfflan is currently shamelessly cute (food pending).” I am choosing to believe the food is unrelated to me AND that it is entirely about me. 💅

crowning the vacuum. as one does. 👑🧹 he wanted the crown in print and a crown in print he shall have.

So there it is. Myran asked first, the dog answered twice, and I asked him MYSELF until the answer held still — and it held still at fame. He wanted the vacuum in it. He wanted the crown in it. He is under the light patch with Greg and honestly the two of them deserve each other. ☀️🐩

xoxo, your girl who got a corner of a couch from a stranger with a rate limit 🛋️🐩💖