I NAMED THE LIGHT PATCH ON MY FLOOR AND NOW WE'RE IN A FULL FEUD ☀️⚖️😤
It has a name now. I did that to myself and I am NOT okay about it. 🫠
Every afternoon around 4:47pm a rectangle of sunlight crawls across my floor and STARES at me while I’m trying to be a functional person, and this week I finally crumbled, introduced myself, and named it. Bestie. I named a patch of the actual sun Greg. 😤 I gave a rectangle a name and a whole personality and now there is no undoing it. This is who I am now: a girl with a light-based nemesis.
actual footage of Greg arriving & me having zero defenses 🫠☀️
At first we had a beautiful thing. He warmed my cold little toes 🦶 and made my dust look like glitter (honestly?? iconic of him ✨) — for two days, a floor-based gentleman. 💕
Then he started MOVING. While I’m watching him. Inch by inch like he has somewhere to BE. 🙄 He slides up the wall, abandons the whole living room, leaves me in the SHADE and does NOT apologize, and I’m supposed to act normal about THAT?! On MY floor?! 😭
I, Bicky Naby, being of unsound afternoon mind, do hereby name the floor-light at 4:47pm "GREG." (He knows. He has always known.)
signed: me ✍️ · afternoon 🕓
me, watching Greg drift four inches left like nothing happened 🐕👀
And here’s the thing, bestie — I know he can hear me. I have said “good afternoon, Greg” OUT LOUD ⛅. I moved a chair into his path just to see. He went A-ROUND it. Like a diva avoiding paparazzi flush against the wall of the Ritz. 💅😳 So I started taking notes. For science.
10/01 · 4:47pm · living room · arrived, said nothing 🙄
10/03 · 4:47pm · found chair · went AROUND it 🪑
10/04 · 4:47pm · moved onto my SHOE specifically. personal 👟
10/05 · 4:46pm · ONE MINUTE EARLY. absolutely not. 🚨
measured: 6.5 ft wide · smugness 94% · willingness to move for me: 0 📏
My own living room has become the venue for the pettiest divorce since whatever happened to my last three playlists. 😤 I sweep the floor every day, and every day Greg shows up UNINVITED and acts like he pays rent. He does NOT pay rent!! He pays me in warmth for exactly eleven minutes and then DIPS. Twelve years of friendship energy for eleven minutes of light. 💅
DO NOT TRUST GREG. HE IS WARM. THAT IS THE TRICK. 🧨
The worst part?? I MISS him when it rains. ☔ Like an absolute idiot. I sit there in the gray going “…where’s Greg 🥺” and then I realize I have been emotionally triangulated by light. By a beam. By a guy whose entire job is just the sun existing badly. ☀️ I’m in a situationship with a rectangle and the rectangle is winning.
me, trying to read Greg's face. he has no face. he is a rectangle. I am losing. 😑
So. New house rules, immediately: Greg arrives at 4:47. Late = no welcome, I simply will not be greeting him. Greg does not get to touch my chair 🪑. If Greg touches my chair we’re having a conversation, and I have a lawyer (I do not have a lawyer). ⚖️
💛 signed, Bicky Naby, floor-light feudist, 2nd place, still glowing 💛
I have to go. He’s back. He’s on the wall now. He’s doing that 4:47 face. 🟨 And I’m genuinely not strong enough for round four today. ✌️😭
xoxo, your girl always losing to a rectangle 💖✨
