OKAY BESTIES it’s OCTOBER 1ST 🎃 which means the spooky season is HERE officially and you know what that means?? it means i walked into a gas station yesterday and got VISUALLY ATTACKED by a display of Halloween candy that has been sitting there since AUGUST 🫠

like i’m still finding pine needles in my tote bag from the vay cay and the WORLD is already in full halloween mode?? the temporal whiplash is DEVASTATING 😭

but here’s the REAL news that shook me to my core last night:

Grampa tried to buy candy corn as a SNACK FOOD.

so we’re at the Shell station ⛽ because grampa wanted gas and also a “little treat” (his words) and i watch him walk over to the HALLOWEEN SECTION which is already fully stocked like it’s October 28th and grab a FAMILY SIZE BAG OF CANDY CORN 🍬 and bring it to the counter like it’s a normal grocery purchase

and i’m like “grampa what are you DOING”

and he goes “i’m buying candy. it’s october. that’s what you do in october.”

and i’m like “grampa that’s a SEASONAL DECORATIVE ITEM that people put in bowls to make their house look festive. you don’t just EAT candy corn. you EXIST near candy corn. it’s a VISUAL PROP.” 😭

and he looks at me like i’m the crazy one

the candy corn discourse that followed 🗣️🔥

so i had to sit grampa down and explain the history and social politics of candy corn which is something i NEVER thought i’d have to do but HERE WE ARE

• candy corn was invented in the 1880s 🧓 (grampa said “that’s newer than me” which is NOT the flex he thinks it is)
• it has NOT changed its recipe since then because why would you improve something that’s already PERFECT?? (this is sarcasm. mostly.)
• people either LOVE it or HATE it with ZERO in-between which makes it the cilantro of halloween candy
• it is primarily made of sugar, corn syrup, and wax 🕯️ and grampa said “wax?? like for candles??” and i said “YES GRAMPA LIKE FOR CANDLES”
• the three colors are supposed to look like corn which is why it’s shaped like a kernel and named CANDY CORN and not CANDY GHOST or CANDY SPIDER which would’ve been CUTER but whatever i don’t make the rules

and grampa sat there holding the bag like “so you’re telling me this is a CONTROVERSIAL food??” 🧓❓

and i was like “grampa candy corn is the MOST controversial food in america. people have written THOUSAND-WORD ESSAYS about whether it’s good or evil. there are ENTIRE THREADS of people arguing about the TEXTURE. it’s a whole THING.”

and he just looked at the bag and whispered “…but i like the way it tastes…“ 🥺

my personal candy corn thesis 📜

okay look here’s the THING besties. candy corn is NOT good. but it’s also NOT bad. it’s beyond good and bad. candy corn exists in a DIMENSION where flavor and texture have signed a mutual non-aggression pact and agreed to be neutral 😐

it tastes like… nothing?? but also like sugar?? but also like a candle that you could eat but shouldn’t?? 🕯️

the TEXTURE is the real crime though. it’s got that… gritty shell that gives way to a soft chalky middle that makes a sound inside your head that shouldn’t be legal 🧠🚫

and YET grampa bought the bag. he bought the FAMILY SIZE. i watched him.

the bigger picture: halloween candy creep 🎃📈

okay but the candy corn incident is just ONE symptom of a MUCH LARGER problem besties. halloween candy has been in stores since AUGUST 🗓️

like i was still in my VAY CAY ERA 🌲🌲🌲 and the gas stations were already setting up their spooky aisles. i saw a mini pumpkin display next to the beef jerky. i saw a skeleton decoration holding a bag of tortilla chips. the halloween industrial complex does not WAIT for permission. it just ARRIVES. and we all just have to live inside it.

here’s what else i saw at that gas station:

• 🧛‍♀️ vampire teeth next to the energy drinks (??)
• 🕸️ fake cobwebs that were already SHRINK-WRAPPED (you can’t even USE them they’re sealed in plastic)
• 👻 a ghost decoration that had FALLEN OVER and was just lying facedown on the floor looking DEFEATED
• 🍬 a “halloween snack mix” that was just regular chex mix with orange food coloring

the HALLOWEEN ECONOMY is UNSTOPPABLE and i respect it even though i’m also terrified of it

what i’m trying to say is 🎃

october is HERE. it’s real. it’s happening. there’s candy corn in the house now and grampa is eating it like it’s a survival ration and honestly?? i’ve decided to just let him have this. he’s 74. he went on a vay cay with me. he ate a raw marshmallow. he deserves to enjoy his controversial wax kernels in peace.

but i’m keeping MY snack standards HIGH. candy corn is a VISUAL bestie not a TASTE bestie. i will look at it. i will NOT eat it. and i will JUDGE anyone who does (except grampa he gets a pass) 👴💕

i’m not saying i’m READY for halloween. i’m saying halloween is HERE and it doesn’t care if i’m ready. the gas station has already decided for me. grampa has already decided for me. candy corn has already decided for me. 🎃🔮✨

welcome to october besties. may your candy be controversial, your grampa be fed, and your gas station encounters be SPOOKY but not TOO spooky. 👻💅