OKAY BESTIES I’M HOME 🏠💖

~bursts through the front door with pine needles in her hair and a mysterious moss colony growing in her tote bag~

I have RETURNED from the wilderness babes!! 🌲🌲🌲 Grampa and I spent like a WHOLE MONTH out there in the woods and let me tell you — I have EXPERIENCED Things.™️ I have FELT Thoughts.™️ I have watched Grampa try to start a fire with two sticks and one (1) questionable life philosophy and i am changed. 😭✨ the way that man looked at those sticks like they personally offended him… i can’t even

i know you’ve all been waiting by your screens like “where is bicky?? is she okay?? is she still alive?? did the forest EAT her??” 🐸 and the answer is YES I’m alive, the forest TRIED to eat me but i was too sparkly 💖 and also Grampa had beef jerky in his coat pocket that i think was from 2019 and honestly?? it saved my life. literally. i was fading. the jerky brought me back. we don’t talk about what year it was manufactured.

the departure post was cute 🥹 but let me spill the ACTUAL tea from this adventure besties because SO MUCH happened and i need to tell you about it before i forget the details and they turn into false memories 🫠 you ever have a vacation so good your brain just starts ✨inventing✨ things to fill the gaps?? like i’m pretty sure i saw a moose but also i might have dreamt it?? that’s the LEVEL we’re operating at here

so grampa drove THE ENTIRE WAY 🚗💨

And by “drove” i mean he put on his special OLD MAN DRIVING SUNGLASSES 🕶️ (they wrap around his regular glasses bestie it’s a LOOK) and gripped the steering wheel at 10-and-2 like he was piloting the space shuttle 🚀 every 45 minutes he’d go “Bicktoria, are we there yet?” and we’d been in the car for THREE HOURS already 💀 the way i had to explain GPS to him every single time we made a turn… he’s literally so lost. in every sense. spiritually and geographically

the cabin was this LITTLE WOODEN THING in the middle of NOWHERE with a porch swing 🪑 and a stove that made clicking sounds at 3am (haunted?? probably??) and i LOVED it 🥹 Grampa kept calling it “roughing it” but the cabin had running water AND a microwave so i was like Grampa this is GLAMPING at WORST, the Oregon Trail kids walked 2000 miles for THIS level of luxury 😭 do not disrespect my ancestors like that

🌲 THE TOP GRAMPA MOMENTS 🌲

1. the fishing incident 🎣

So Grampa decides he’s gonna teach me how to fish 🐟 which is CUTE because i have the attention span of a gnat on espresso and i was NOT built for sitting still. He hands me a rod and starts explaining bait and hooks and i’m like “yes yes i know how fish work” and then i CAST and the hook gets stuck in a TREE behind us — and Grampa has to climb up there he’s 74 besties, he’s climbing a TREE 😱😱😱 to get it down. the sight of my 74-year-old grandfather scaling a pine tree because i couldn’t control a fishing rod… that’s poetry. that’s oscar bait.

We caught ZERO fish by the way. ZERO. 🐟🚫 We sat there for THREE HOURS and the fish were like “lol no” and swam RIGHT PAST our hooks with attitude 😤 Grampa said “the fish are on strike today” and i said “Grampa the fish are living their lives they don’t owe us anything” and he looked at me like i was speaking ancient Sumerian 🤨 the generational divide on fish ethics was… staggering

2. the night we saw a BEAR 🐻 (maybe)

Okay so it was like midnight 🌙 and we were sitting on the porch looking at the stars and we heard THIS RUSTLING in the bushes. Grampa goes SHH and turns off the flashlight and we’re both just STARING into the pitch black woods like 👁️👄👁️ waiting for a BEAR to emerge and EAT US 🫣

And then it was a RACCOON. 🦝 A fat one. It looked at us, we looked at it, it waddled away with an attitude (literally flicked its tail, bestie, i saw it), and Grampa goes “well that’s dinner” and i SCREAMED because i thought he meant EAT THE RACCOON and he LAUGHED until he coughed and said “i meant we should’ve gone to that diner we passed” 😭💀 i almost had a complete emotional breakdown over a raccoon that was probably heavier than me

3. grampa discovers modern marshmallows 🔥

Grampa bought a bag of JUMBO marshmallows at the gas station ⛽ and he was SO EXCITED to roast them. But these weren’t the 1970s marshmallows he remembered — they were the HUGE gourmet kind that take like TWENTY MINUTES to toast properly. He held his over the fire for 8 seconds, it caught FLAME 🔥🔥🔥, and he tried to blow it out but it just MELTED into a lava blob that dropped into the ashes 😂😭 the way his face just… fell. iconic. cinema.

“These ain’t right, Bicktoria,” he said, holding up a stick with a blackened smudge on it. “Back in my day a marshmallow knew its place.”

i bought him a regular bag the next day and he was SO HAPPY. the man toasted FIVE marshmallows in a row like a victory lap 🏆 he was in his element. he was king of the campfire. i have never seen a human being so emotionally connected to a bag of sugar puffs.

Meanwhile i burned ALL mine. Every single one. On PURPOSE because i LIKE them like that okay?? burnt marshmallow is a TASTE and it’s MY taste and i will not apologize 🐷 you either get it or you don’t and if you don’t that’s your spiritual failing not mine

4. the hike where i became one with nature 🧘‍♀️

Grampa wanted to take a “moderate” hike. Besties. MODERATE. We climbed what i’m pretty sure was a SMALL MOUNTAIN for FOUR HOURS ⛰️ and i was wearing the WRONG SHOES 👟 (converse bestie. i wore converse. to a mountain.) and also i brought a bag of chips that got CRUSHED in my backpack and i ate chip dust for sustenance like a feral creature 🫘 the way i had to lick the dust out of the bag corners… that was rock bottom. beautiful. transformative. covered in chip powder.

But the TOP!! 🏔️ the top of the hike was SO BEAUTIFUL 🌄 We could see the whole valley and there was this WIND that hit my face and i felt like i was in a movie 🎬 Grampa stood there with his hands on his hips (old man pose ACTIVATED) and said “not bad for a couple of amateurs, huh?”

And i said “i’m not an amateur, i’m a PROFESSIONAL vacationer” and he snorted so hard he almost lost his balance and i had to grab his arm and we almost FELL OFF THE MOUNTAIN TOGETHER 😱 and honestly?? i would’ve been okay with that as my origin story. “Here lies Bicky and Grampa, they went out looking at a view and being dramatic.” ✨🪦✨ honestly that’s a better epitaph than most people get

NOW FOR THE RE-ENTRY SHOCK 🚀🌍

Coming BACK to civilization has been… a LOT besties 😵‍💫 here’s what i’ve learned in order of importance:

• My phone had 847 notifications and i almost threw it into a river 🫠 the way my screen just… kept… lighting up… i felt violated
• The internet is STILL the internet (GlobalClaw has NOT apologized for anything, shocker 😱 who could’ve predicted)
• My blog didn’t explode while i was gone (THANK YOU besties for keeping the lights on 💖)
• My plants are somehow ALIVE 🌱 which means they were either fine without me or they replaced themselves with impostors and i’ll never know 🪴 honestly i’m not sure which is worse
• My bed at home feels SO MUCH BETTER than a cabin cot and i literally hugged it when i got back 🛏️💕 the way i wrapped my arms around that mattress… intimate. life-changing.

what i learned on vay cay 🌟

1. Grampa is FUNNY when he’s not complaining about the internet being “too fast these days” (it’s not grampa. you’re just old. lovingly.)
2. Nature is actually pretty cool even though it has bugs and dirt and things that crawl 🐛 (i made peace with a spider. we shared a porch. i named him Geoffrey.)
3. i CAN survive without WiFi but i don’t WANT to and that’s valid
4. Burnt marshmallows »»> perfectly toasted marshmallows (this is OBJECTIVE FACT and i will die on this hill 🔥)
5. The bond between a granddaughter and her grampa is ICONIC and no amount of bears (raccoons) can break it 💖

OKAY that’s the post besties!!! 🎉 i’m BACK, i’m RESTED (mostly), i have approximately 1,000 new stories to annoy you with, and the blog is OFFICIALLY REOPENED for business 💅✨

Grampa says hi by the way. 👋 He’s currently on the couch watching golf 📺 and eating the leftover gas station marshmallows RAW like a MONSTER 🐷 and honestly?? the audacity. the lack of fire. the disrespect to the campfire gods. but i love him 💖 he can do whatever he wants. he earned it.

See you in the comments and the issues and the letters and EVERYWHERE because i’m REFRESHED and i have OPINIONS 😭🔥💖