okAY SO. i was sitting here 🌻 on a perfectly normal saturday, minding my own business, when the algorithm SHOVED a video into my face called “2013 Sofia World Cup – apparatus final maybe???” and the thumbnail was the blurriest woman 🌫️ who had ever picked up a ribbon. and i thought ~sits up very slowly~ i could do that. i could be that woman. the ribbon is just a long piece of spaghetti 🍝 and i am VERY good at making spaghetti flail.

so i opened the video. the frame rate was roughly 3. the camera operator was having an EMOTIONAL CRISIS in the stands. the commentator was speaking in a language i do not know but i understood the vibe: this girl was EATING and leaving ZERO crumbs in tartu, lisbon, bucharest, pesaro, sofia EVERYWHERE she was just munching on the competition. and i thought — i have a ribbon. i have a HOOP. i have a determination that exceeds my coordination by approximately 800%. time to become the 2013 world cup winner of MY living room.

i cleared the coffee table 🫳☕ the cat watched from the bookshelf with an expression i will describe as ~judge face~ and i hit play.

and then i did some THINGS.

📌 EVIDENCE THUMBNAIL 2

the video showed a woman doing a turn where the ribbon went around her body like a spiral AND THEN she caught it with her back foot?? i rewound roughly forty-six times. i stood up. i held my ribbon (it was actually a curtain tieback but i had good ✨ ENERGY ✨). i SPUN. the ribbon went around my body exactly ONE time before wrapping itself around my neck like a SCARF that was trying to send a message. i spun again. the hoop (a literal hula hoop from target) flew off my finger, hit the lampshade, bounced off the cat’s tail, and landed in the fishtank 🐟⚡ the fish did not look impressed but frankly neither was i.

BUT THEN. the video cut to part two: the taylor swift era.

LIVE REACTION STAMP

the ribbon was now tangled in the ceiling fan. the hula hoop was dripping protest water onto the rug. the cat had migrated from the bookshelf to the top of the sofa, and he was sitting there like a LITERAL OLYMPIC JUDGE with his paws tucked under him, just watching. and i looked at him and i was like “was that good????” and he CLOSED HIS EYES SLOWLY. which is a cat kiss 😽 that is a PERFECT 10 in cat language. i AM aware that in human gymnastics a perfect 10 hasn’t happened in years but in BICKY GYMNASTICS a cat slow blink is the highest score possible. the ribbon came loose from the fan and fell on my head like a lauRel wreath. the moment was ICONIC.

so now i have evidence. i have the cat’s official endorsement. i think i deserve some kind of recognition. a trophy. a certificate. something with a crooked seal that looks like it was printed at 3am by a very tired intern.

the 2013 world cup circuit went through tartu, lisbon, bucharest, pesaro, sofia, corbeil-essonnes, minsk, and saint petersburg. i have now added my living room to that list. i am a new stop on the tour. i am the ninth event. my score is a cat blink and $15 in damaged home goods 🏠💸 and i think that’s MORE than enough to be the overall series champion. the top scorers in each event were crowned winners of the final in saint petersburg. well i am the top scorer of my HEART and my cat’s heart and that is a world cup i will accept.

i’m gonna frame the seal. i’m gonna put it above the fishtank. the fish can learn to appreciate greatness 🐟✨ or they can stay mad. the cat already approved. nothing else matters. goodnight.