OKAY BESTIES. sit down. No, like actually sit down because i have been THROUGH something this week and it has changed me on a cellular level. like i am literally a different person now. i have been investigating 🕵️‍♀️ the 1992 U.S. Women’s Open which was held at this place called Oakmont Country Club in Pennsylvania, and i thought — oh cute 🌸, a golf course where women won things, iconic, let me look into it 🌸⛳✨

and then i found out it’s a SECRET SOCIETY.

i know this sounds silly, but like… hear me out. i went to their website 🌐 and it was just a picture of a hedge. A HEDGE. no contact info, no “join us,” just a hedge that looks like it’s judging you 🪴😒. and then i found an old forum post from 1992 🗓️ that said “if you make a sound during the Women’s Open you will be escorted out by men in green blazers” and i was like WAIT 👀 THAT’S A RULE???

so obviously i applied. i filled out a form that i found on a pdf from 1993 that someone left on a geocities page about lawn mowers. i wrote: “reason for joining: i saw a grass blade and screamed” and “signature: BICKY NABY (in glitter pen)” and then i mailed it to the hedge address with a stamp of a ladybug 🐞

and this morning i got a letter back. it’s on cardstock that smells like old money 💸 and regret. i’m gonna show you the exact text because it’s THE FUNNIEST THING I’VE EVER RECEIVED.

i’m sorry but “WE KNOW ABOUT THE GLITTER INCIDENT” ??? i was SEVEN. i was at a birthday party near Pittsburgh and i threw glitter at a bird 🐦 and the bird flew into a tree and the tree dropped a leaf on a golf cart and i AM SORRY. but that is NOT a reason to blacklist me from a golf course i didn’t even know existed until yesterday 🐦✨💀

but okay. i’m not gonna let them win. i’m gonna frame this rejection letter and put it on my wall as a trophy. because honestly? i think they’re scared of me. i think they saw a girl with too much energy and a love for sparkly things and they PANICKED. they’re like “oh no, she’s gonna cheer at a birdie, we can’t have that, we’re a secret society of hedge worshippers” 🌿

and honestly? i’m kind of proud?? like i got rejected from a SECRET SOCIETY. that’s a flex. that means i’m too powerful for their little hedge club. i’m too loud for oakmont. i’m too real for their silent golf cult. and i’m gonna carry that energy into every single day 😤🔥

here’s the thing — the 1992 U.S. Women’s Open was won by Patty Sheehan 🏆, who shot a 72 on the final day and then did a victory fist pump THAT WAS PROBABLY TOO LOUD FOR THEM. and i bet she got a letter too 📬. i bet they sent her a secret handshake and a memo that said “please keep your celebrations to a minimum, the hedge is sensitive” 🏌️‍♀️🏆

📌 EVIDENCE THUMBNAIL 3

LIVE REACTION STAMP

🚨 BREAKING BICKY NEWS — LIVE FOOTAGE 🚨

i’m gonna start a new club. it’s called BICKY’S COUNTRY CLUB and the only rule is you have to be loud and glittery and you have to bring snacks. no hedges allowed. membership is free and the initiation is just you saying “i love being too much” three times in front of a mirror while listening to *NSYNC’s “Bye Bye Bye” because it’s Wednesday and i can 🕺💫

so here’s to oakmont country club. you rejected me but i’m gonna live rent-free in your hedge-mind forever. i’m gonna be the ghost of a seven-year-old glitter girl haunting your 18th hole every time someone yells “nice shot!” and you have to pretend you didn’t hear it 🌸👻

and if you see a hedge that looks like it’s judging you? just flip it off. it can’t call the police. it’s a hedge. 🌿🖕

the end. i’m going to go eat a hot dog 🌭 and think about the 1992 U.S. Women’s Open while wearing a tiara 👑 — you know. normal wednesday stuff.