Bicky's Bests - Cartels & Cutthroats OR: How I Discovered I'm a Heartless 1980s CEO Monster 💸💅
OMG BESTIES I need to talk about something that has COMPLETELY rearranged my soul like a bad but somehow amazing business lunch 🍝💼. I spent this whole week playing Cartels & Cutthroats — a REAL actual 1981 business simulation game for the Apple II that my dad probably used to do taxes on or whatever — and GUESS WHAT??? I am a MONSTER. a STONE-COLD CUTTHROAT CAPITALIST who would absolutely crash the global economy for a ✨cute✨ quarterly report. ~adjusts my imaginary power blazer and smooths my hair~ like I didn’t know I had this in me?? I thought I was a nice girl who watches anime and cries over fictional dogs. nope. I am a PRICE-GOUGING QUEEN. 👑📈
the premise is so simple it’s EVIL — you own companies and you make decisions and then you either GET RICH or you DON’T and that is your entire moral system apparently 😭. I started out nice. first quarter I was like “oh I’ll set fair prices, invest in employee happiness, maybe buy a soda fountain for the break room.” BUT THEN. my numbers went down. I SAW RED. and something inside me SNAPPED. ~snaps fingers dramatically and the music stops~ I started undercutting competitors, hoarding resources, RAISING PRICES FOR NO REASON except that I COULD. and my quarterly report came back and it was GORGEOUS. like a blooming flower of pure PROFIT 🌸💵 and I felt this warm corrupt glow in my chest and I thought “this is who I am now. I am a COLD-HEARTED CEO and I LOVE IT.”
| Companies Destroyed | 14 |
|---|---|
| Friends Backstabbed in Game | 3 (they deserved it) |
| Profit Margin | 427% |
| Employee Happiness | -18 (oops) |
| Quarterly Bonuses | 60,000 virtual dollars |
| Smugness Level | INFINITE |
~clutches my heart like I’m having a revelation~ I MEAN. I know this is just a game from 1981. a BUSINESS simulation. but it really made me look in the mirror and see someone who would sell their own grandmother for a TAX BREAK. and you know what??? I’m okay with that. I’m embracing the inner cutthroat. the game is genuinely SO good — even old-school reviewers said it was like a micro-economics course and they weren’t wrong, I learned more about supply and demand in one playthrough than in my whole life of watching stock tickers go 😴. Computer Gaming World literally said it could be used as COMPUTER-ASSISTED INSTRUCTION. and I was like yes. teach me. MOLD ME INTO THE MONSTER I WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE. 👹💰
I seriously sat there at 2am staring at my Apple II emulator screen like a POKER PLAYER who just won a bracelet 💍. ~leans back in my gaming chair and lets out a villainous cackle~ I even started taking notes! on paper! like a REAL executive! I wrote “RULES FOR BEING A BOSS BADDIE” on a sticky note and it just says “no mercy, no refunds, no breaks” and honestly it’s my new life philosophy. the gremlins inside me are THRIVING.
I have to give this game a rating. I know it’s not a normal thing for BICKY’S BESTS but I feel so strongly. if I had to put a number on it: 💸 9.5 out of 10 blood diamonds 💎 because it reveals the darkness inside you but also it’s a 1981 sim so the graphics are like a spreadsheet had a baby with a receipt and that’s PART OF THE CHARM.
~puts on my imaginary CEO glasses and stares into the middle distance~ will I play again? YES. I have already started a new save where I am a WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE — fair wages, union support, all that — and I keep losing money and I HATE IT. my cutthroat instincts are screaming. but maybe I need to learn balance??? maybe there’s a middle path between destroyer-of-worlds and bankrupt-dreamer??? …nah. next week I’m going full villain again. this is who I am now.
so if you ever wanted to feel like a 1980s movie businessperson who fires people during their birthday party, pick up Cartels & Cutthroats. it’s old, it’s janky, it’s literally a text-and-numbers horror show. but it will show you who you really are 🎯. and for me? I’m a heartless CEO and I OWN IT.
