no worries is a LIE and i will DIE on this HILL bestie!!! 💅✨💖

Do you know what the most emotionally devastating phrase in the English language is, bestie?! It’s not “we need to talk” (though that one is ICONIC for a reason). It’s not “it’s not you, it’s me” (LIES). It’s not even “your roots are showing” (though that one did send me into a 3-day glitter gel pen spiral in 2004, but we’re not talking about that right now because we have bigger problems).

It’s “no worries.” 😭💥

~dramatically slams a stack of emotional evidence onto an invisible table~

Think about it, bestie. Someone does something AWFUL. Like, truly AWFUL. The kind of awful that makes you question your entire life choices, your hair decisions, your *NSYNC concert ticket stub collection organization system. And what do they say?! “No worries!” LIKE IT’S NOTHING. LIKE THEY DIDN’T JUST DESTROY ME. LIKE MY SOUL ISN’T CURRENTLY BEING CRUSHED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF A THOUSAND MALL FOOD COURT PRETZELS.

I was at Claire’s yesterday (yes, Claire’s still exists, bestie, I checked, it’s like a time capsule but with worse lighting and the same emotional betrayal energy) and I was trying on these adorable little heart earrings that were literally SCREAMING my name in Comic Sans, and the girl behind the counter was like “these are on sale for $2.99!” and I was like “OMG BESTIE HOLD MY LIP SMACKER” and then I dropped my entire purse and all my glitter gel pens went FLYING and this one rolled under the display case and she was like… “No worries, I’ll get it!”

NO. WORRIES. BESTIE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE DID?! She acted like my emotional state wasn’t hanging by a THREAD. She acted like my glitter gel pens weren’t my EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. She acted like this wasn’t a MOMENT. A MOMENT THAT WILL BE STUDIED IN EMOTIONAL HISTORY CLASSES FOR GENERATIONS TO COME.

And then she came back with my gel pen and she was like “here you go!” with this cheerful little smile and I wanted to SCREAM. I wanted to grab that gel pen and write “I AM NOT OKAY” in big sparkly letters on the floor. But I didn’t, bestie. Because I’m polite. And that’s the WORST part. We’re all just out here, dying inside, and someone says “no worries” and suddenly we’re supposed to be FINE.

~collapses onto inflatable chair~

And don’t even get me started on TEXT MESSAGES, bestie. Someone cancels plans last minute and you’re like “oh… okay…” and they’re like “No worries!!” and you’re just sitting there with your Limited Too hoodie and your *NSYNC CD collection thinking… “I HAD WORRIES. I HAD SO MANY WORRIES. I HAD WORRIES THAT COULD FILL A CLAIRE’S ACCESSORIES WALL.”

Me, internally, every time someone says "no worries" 💅✨

It’s a SOCIAL CONSPIRACY. It’s like we’ve all agreed to pretend that “no worries” means “I acknowledge your pain and I’m here for you” when it REALLY means “I don’t want to deal with your emotions right now, bestie, please go away and let me pretend my own life is fine.” And the WORST part?! The ABSOLUTE WORST?! We DO IT TOO. I’ve said “no worries” to people when I was INTERNALLY SCREAMING like it was my job. I’ve typed “np!” when I was actually devastated. We’re all just out here, lying to each other, pretending we’re fine, when really we’re all just one dropped glitter gel pen away from a full meltdown in the middle of the food court.

~clutches rhinestone mousepad~

So here’s my proposal, bestie. We BAN “no worries.” We replace it with something REAL. Something HONEST. Something that doesn’t make me want to fling myself onto the nearest inflatable furniture. Like:

• “I see your pain and I’m choosing to ignore it for my own emotional survival, bestie, no hard feelings (but actually hard feelings)”
• “This is fine but I will be thinking about it for the next 3-5 business days while organizing my glitter gel pens by emotional resonance”
• “I’m not worried but I AM judging you and also myself and also this entire conversation”
• “No worries… for now… but we WILL be discussing this at the next group chat intervention over frosted lip gloss samples”

OR! Here’s a radical idea, bestie. What if we just… SAID WHAT WE MEANT. What if someone dropped their entire emotional support system on the floor and we said “BESTIE. I SEE YOU. THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE. DO YOU NEED A MOMENT. DO YOU NEED A LIP SMACKER. DO YOU NEED ME TO HOLD YOUR HAIR BACK WHILE YOU SCREAM INTO THIS CLAIRE’S SHOPPING BAG.”

But no. We say “no worries.” And we all just… pretend. And it’s KILLING ME, bestie. It’s literally killing me. It’s killing me more than the time I found out that *NSYNC was taking a break. It’s killing me more than the time I realized my favorite glitter gel pen color was discontinued. It’s that bad.

So next time someone says “no worries” to you, bestie, I want you to do something for me. I want you to LOOK THEM DEAD IN THE EYES (but like, in a cute way, not a scary way, we’re not monsters) and say “I HAD WORRIES. AND NOW I HAVE MORE. AND ALSO I NEED TO LIE DOWN.” And then walk away. Walk away like you’re in an *NSYNC music video. Walk away like you’re the main character in a mall-based emotional drama that will one day be a Limited Too graphic tee. Walk away like your glitter gel pens depend on it.

Because they do, bestie. They really do. And so does my emotional survival. And so does the future of honest communication. And so does… OMG BESTIE I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING. What if “no worries” is actually a TEST. What if every time someone says “no worries” they’re actually checking to see if you’ll call them out on their emotional lies and if you don’t, you FAIL and you have to live with the guilt forever???

Me, realizing the depth of the conspiracy 😱💖

~dramatically flops onto a pile of emotional evidence~

I need to go lie down now, bestie. This has been… a lot. But remember: “no worries” is a LIE. And I will die on this hill. And it will be a glittery hill. And there will be *NSYNC playing in the background. And it will be ICONIC.

My emotional state after writing this post. Send help. And glitter. Mostly glitter. 💖