~freezes with phone in hand like it’s a live grenade made of glitter and regret~ BESTIES. BESTIES. I come to you today from the floor of my bedroom where I have been since approximately 3:17 PM when the ~incident~ occurred, and I am ~NOT OKAY~ and I ~WILL NEVER BE OKAY AGAIN~ and also I ~NEED TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY~ but like ~which country~ will even ~have me~ after this??? 🇺🇸💥🇨🇦

It started ~innocently~, bestie. I was ~scrolling~ — which is ~not just scrolling~ but ~emotional archaeology~ because I was ~digging through the ruins of my own dignity~ — and I saw ~his face~. My crush. My ~eternal emotional project~. The one who ~smiled at me once in 2019~ and I ~built an entire personality around~ like it was ~my job~. And there he was, bestie. ~Right there~. In a photo from ~THREE YEARS AGO~.

And I ~didn’t mean to~, bestie. I ~SWEAR ON MY *NSYNC POSTER COLLECTION~ that I did NOT mean to. But my thumb ~had a mind of its own~ — which, ~rude~, my thumb is ~NOT THE BOSS OF ME~ — and it ~DOUBLE-TAPPED~.

~drops phone like it’s radioactive and also judging me~ 📱☢️

And then. AND THEN. The ~heart appeared~. That ~stupid, taunting, red heart~ that is ~NOT JUST A HEART~ but a ~DECLARATION OF WAR~ and a ~LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT~ and also ~PROOF THAT I AM A STALKER~!!! And it ~floated up~ from the bottom of the screen like it was ~proud of itself~ like it was ~saying~ “HEY BICKY LOOK WHAT I DID I RUINED YOUR LIFE AGAIN” and I ~SCREAMED~ so loud that my ~neighbor texted me~ “???” and I ~DIDN’T ANSWER~ because ~WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY~??? “Oh sorry I just emotionally destroyed myself with a single tap”???

And the ~WORST PART~??? BESTIE. The ~ABSOLUTE WORST~??? Is that the photo was ~FROM 2023~. THREE. YEARS. AGO. This is ~NOT~ a recent photo that I could ~pretend~ I saw in my ~stories~ or whatever. This is a photo from ~THE PAST~. A photo that has been ~sitting there~ for ~1095 DAYS~ waiting for ~ME~ to ~make the worst decision of my life~. And I ~DID~. I ~FELL FOR IT~. Like a ~glitter-covered fool~!!!

~dramatically reenacts the moment with a hairbrush as the phone~ 💇‍♀️📱 I tried to ~undo it~, bestie. I ~MASHED~ the heart again like it was a ~bug~ that I could ~squish~ out of existence. But Instagram ~doesn’t work that way~. Instagram is ~NOT FORGIVING~. Instagram is ~a permanent record of my shame~. And now there’s ~NOTHING~ I can do. The like is ~THERE~. It’s ~PERMANENT~. It’s ~A TESTAMENT TO MY FAILURE AS A HUMAN BEING~!!!

And what if he ~NOTICES~??? What if he gets a ~notification~ — which he ~WON’T~ because it’s a ~3-year-old photo~ but ~WHAT IF HE DOES~??? What if he ~sees~ that I liked his photo from ~2023~ and he’s like ~”who is this person and why are they in my past”~??? What if he ~thinks I’m a time traveler~??? What if he ~thinks I’m HAUNTING HIM~??? ~WHAT IF HE’S RIGHT~???

~clutches glitter gel pen like it’s the only thing keeping me from spiraling into the void~ ✨🖊️ And now I have to ~LIVE WITH THIS~, bestie. I have to ~carry this shame~ for the ~rest of my life~. Every time I see him, I’ll ~wonder~: does he ~know~??? Does he ~remember~ the girl who liked his ~ancient photo~ like a ~desperate archaeologist~??? Will he ~recognize me~ as the ~person who can’t let go of the past~???

And the ~CRAZIEST PART~??? ~whispers like this is a secret that could destroy nations~ 🤫 What if… what if he ~LIKES IT~??? What if he sees that ~little red heart~ and he’s like ~”aww that’s cute”~ and then he ~LIKES MY PHOTOS BACK~ and then we ~START DATING~ and then he ~FINDS OUT~ that I ~liked a photo from 2023~ and he’s like ~”wait… how long have you…”~ and I have to ~ADMIT~ that I’ve been ~stalking him for years~???

~screams into a pile of old Claire’s receipts~ 🧾😭 I ~CAN’T WIN~, bestie. I am ~DAMNED IF I DO~ and ~DAMNED IF I DON’T~. If he ~doesn’t notice~, I’m a ~sad stalker~. If he ~does notice~, I’m a ~sad stalker who also has to explain herself~. There is ~NO GOOD OUTCOME~!!!

And now I’m ~seriously considering~ moving to Canada, bestie. 🇨🇦 I hear they have ~nice people~ and ~maple syrup~ and ~no memory of my crimes~. And if he ~ever finds out~, I can just ~pretend I don’t speak English~ and ~blame it on a rogue moose~!!!

~dramatic pause while I consider the logistics of international shame-based relocation~ 🌍✈️

But also… ~voice cracks with the weight of my own delusion~ …what if this is ~FATE~??? What if the ~universe~ ~wanted~ me to like that photo??? What if this is the ~sign~ I’ve been waiting for??? What if my thumb ~wasn’t acting alone~ but was ~guided by cosmic forces~??? What if I’m ~meant~ to marry this man and have his ~beautiful Instagram-liking babies~???

~collapses onto bed while my brain short-circuits from the emotional whiplash~ 🤯 And that’s when I ~realized~ the ~TRUTH~, bestie. The ~HORRIFYING~, ~UNDENIABLE~, ~GLITTER-COVERED TRUTH~:

I am ~NOT READY~ for this, bestie. I am ~NOT READY~ to face the ~consequences~ of my ~actions~. I am ~NOT READY~ to ~explain~ to my future children that their mother’s entire love life hinges on a ~single accidental tap~ from ~2026~.

~stares at my phone like it might explode~ 📱💣 And now I have to ~LIVE~ with this. I have to ~WAIT~ and ~WONDER~ and ~OVERTHINK~ every single ~vibration~ of my phone for the ~rest of my life~. Is it ~him~??? Is it ~Instagram~??? Is it ~the universe~ laughing at me???

~takes a deep breath and tries to calm down~ 😮‍💨 Okay. Okay. I’m ~fine~. I’m ~totally fine~. It was ~just a like~, bestie. ~Just a tap~. ~Just a tiny red heart~ that has ~completely ruined my life~.

~suddenly sits up straight like I’ve just had a revelation~ 💡 …Unless…

~whispers~ 🤫 …what if I ~LIKE IT AGAIN~??? What if I ~DOUBLE DOWN~??? What if I like ~EVERY SINGLE PHOTO~ he’s ever posted??? What if I ~COMMENT~ “cute :)” on his ~2018 spring break photo~??? What if I ~LEAN INTO THE CHAOS~ and ~BECOME THE MAIN CHARACTER~ of my own ~romantic tragedy~???

~dramatic hair flip that sends glitter flying everywhere~ 💁‍♀️✨ And if he ~blocks me~??? Then I’ll ~KNOW~ he’s ~NOT WORTHY~ of my ~glitter-filled love~!!! And if he ~doesn’t~??? Then I’ll ~KNOW~ he’s ~THE ONE~ and we can ~get married~ and have a ~wedding where the vows are just *NSYNC lyrics~!!!

~collapses back onto the floor in a heap of emotional exhaustion~ 🫠 But also… what if he ~has a girlfriend~??? What if he’s ~married~??? What if he’s ~in Canada already~??? What if I ~move to Canada~ and he’s ~right there~ and we ~meet cute~ at a ~Tim Hortons~ and he’s like ~”hey you look familiar”~ and I have to ~EXPLAIN~ that I’m the girl who ~liked his 3-year-old Instagram photo~ and also ~moved countries to escape the shame~???

~adjusts bedazzled headband with the gravity of a woman who has just accepted her destiny~ 👑✨ And that, bestie, is the ~truth~. The ~Instagram truth~. The ~only truth~ that ~matters~.

~whispers while staring at my phone like it might hold the answers to the universe~ 👀📱 Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go ~pack my bags~ 📦 and also ~delete Instagram~ 🗑️ and also ~possibly move to Canada~ 🇨🇦 and also ~cry into a pile of glitter~ ✨😭 and also ~maybe like more of his photos~ just to ~see what happens~!!!

~final dramatic pose~ 🌟 The like has been ~sent~, bestie. 💔 The shame is ~eternal~. ✨ And I am ~NEVER TAPPING A HEART AGAIN~!!!

~zips up emotional support hoodie with the ceremonial gravity of a woman who has just changed the world~ 🧥🌎💖✨📱💔