~wakes up gasping like I’ve just been handed the most devastating news of my life by a sentient escalator~ BESTIES. BESTIES. 😱🛗 I come to you today shaking, sweating, ~clutching my glitter-encrusted pillow~ like it’s the only thing keeping me from being sucked into a vortex of overhead speakers and existential dread 🔊🌀 because I had a DREAM last night, bestie. And not just any dream. A MALL dream. 🏬 A MALL WITH OVERHEAD MUSIC dream. 🎵 A MALL WITH OVERHEAD MUSIC THAT ONLY I COULD HEAR dream. 👂💿 And now I am CONVINCED that the mall is trying to tell me something and also that I am losing my mind and also that this is the most important thing that has ever happened to me!!! 🏚️🎶✨

It started innocently enough, bestie. 😇 I was just dreaming about being at the mall — my happy place, my spiritual home, the temple where I first learned the sacred art of the pretzel refill 🥨🙏 — and everything was normal. The food court smelled like Cinnabon and regret. 🍥💔 The escalators were moving at exactly the right speed for dramatic slow-motion entrances. 🛗🎬 The Limited Too was somehow still open despite the fact that it is 2026 and also I am 30 years old and also this is a dream so none of this makes sense but I don’t care because I was home!!! 🛍️💖

And then. AND THEN. 🚨 ~dramatic pause that lasts approximately 17 emotional lifetimes~ I heard it. 👂 The overhead music. But not like normal overhead music, bestie. This was DIFFERENT. This was PERSONAL. This was SINGING DIRECTLY TO ME!!! 🎤😭

~clutches bedazzled headband like it’s the only thing keeping my thoughts from exploding out of my head~ 💎🤯 It started with “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley, bestie. 🎶 And I was like, “Oh, classic mall vibes, love it” and I started lip-syncing because of course I did 💅 and then the music CHANGED. It morphed into “Bye Bye Bye” by *NSYNC, bestie. MY BOYS. 🎤💿 And I was like, “This is the greatest day of my life” and I started dancing in the middle of the mall like I was in the music video and also like I was the main character which I was!!! 🕺✨

And then — OH THEN, bestie — the music started talking to me. 😳 Not singing, bestie. TALKING. 🗣️ The overhead speakers cleared their throat — which, by the way, is a very weird sound to hear coming from mall speakers 🔊😬 — and then they said: “Bicky. We need to talk.”

~drops entire shopping bag of emotional baggage~ 🛍️💥 I FROZE, bestie. 🧊 I was like, “Excuse me, who is this?” and the mall was like, “It’s us. The mall. We’ve been trying to reach you.” 📞🏬 And I was like, “About what???” and the mall was like, “The glitter incident of 2003.” ✨🚨

~screams into a pile of old Claire’s receipts~ 🧾😱 BESTIE. THE GLITTER INCIDENT OF 2003??? ✨🗓️ That was THE DAY I accidentally spilled an entire bottle of glitter in the food court 🍟✨ and then tried to cover it up by pretending it was confetti 🎉 and then the mall had to close for TWO HOURS to clean it up and I was banned for a week!!! 🚫⏰ I FORGOT about that, bestie!!! I BURIED that memory DEEP in my brain because it was TOO TRAUMATIC!!! 🧠💔

And then the music started playing again, bestie. 🎵 But this time it was “It’s Gonna Be Me” by *NSYNC. And I was like, “Oh no. Oh NO.” 😭 Because “It’s Gonna Be Me” is the saddest *NSYNC song, bestie. It’s the one where they’re like, “We tried to warn you, Bicky. We tried to tell you. But you wouldn’t listen.” ⚠️💿 And I was like, “Listen, I was 12!!! I didn’t know that glitter was basically a biohazard!!!” ✨☣️

And then the mall dropped the bomb, bestie. 💣 It was like, “Bicky. We forgave you a long time ago. But you never forgave yourself.” 🏬💔 And I was like, “WHAT???” because first of all, rude, and second of all, how dare you, and third of all, I DID forgive myself!!! 😤 I moved on!!! I became a successful blogger!!! 💻✨ I still shop at the mall!!! 🛍️

But then the music changed again, bestie. 🔄🎶 And this time it was “Tearin’ Up My Heart”. 💔 And I lost it. I collapsed onto the food court floor 🍕😭 — which, by the way, was still covered in glitter from 2003, bestie, WHAT IS THAT ABOUT??? ✨🕵️ — and I was like, “OKAY FINE. I STILL FEEL BAD ABOUT THE GLITTER!!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR???”

And the mall was like, “No, Bicky. We need you to come back.” 🏬🙏 And I was like, “COME BACK??? TO THE MALL??? Bestie, I AM at the mall. RIGHT NOW. In my DREAM!!!” 😴🛍️ And the mall was like, “No. We need you to come back to US. To the overhead speakers. To the music. To the glitter.” 🔊🎵✨

~screams so loud I wake up my neighbor who is definitely judging me right now~ 🏘️😬 And that’s when I woke up, bestie. Sweating. Shaking. Clutching my *NSYNC CD collection 💿🫨 like it’s the only thing keeping me from being sucked into the mall dimension!!! 🌀🏬

And now I’m wide awake, bestie. 👀 And I can still hear it. The music. The overhead music. The mall music. The music that only I can hear. 🎧 And it’s still playing, bestie. It’s still talking to me. 🗣️🎶 And I think… I think it’s trying to tell me something.

~whispers while staring at the ceiling like it might start talking to me~ 👀🛏️ And I don’t know what to do, bestie. Do I go back to the mall? 🏬 Do I apologize to the overhead speakers? 🔊 Do I finally listen to what they’re trying to tell me??? 👂

~dramatic pause~ ⏳ Or… ~gasp~… what if the mall isn’t trying to tell me something??? 😳 What if I’m the one who’s been trying to tell the mall something this whole time??? What if I’ve been haunting the mall with my unfinished emotional business??? 👻🛍️ What if the glitter incident of 2003 wasn’t just a glitter incident but a METAPHOR for my entire life??? ✨📚

~clutches rhinestone mousepad like it’s a life preserver~ 🖱️💎 I don’t know, bestie. I don’t know what any of this means. 🤷‍♀️ But I do know this: I am NEVER going back to the mall. EVER. 🚫🏬 Because what if the overhead speakers start talking to me in REAL LIFE??? What if I can’t escape??? What if I’m stuck in a loop of mall music and emotional baggage for the rest of my life??? 🔁🎵🧳

~takes a deep breath and tries to calm down~ 😮‍💨 Okay. Okay. I’m fine. I’m totally fine. It was just a dream, bestie. 😴 Just a weird, emotional, mall-based dream. That’s all.

~suddenly freezes~ 🧊 …Unless…

~whispers~ 🤫 …what if it wasn’t a dream??? 👁️

~suddenly sits up straight like I’ve just had a revelation~ 💡 BESTIE. I just realized something. The mall doesn’t have overhead speakers anymore. 🔇 They removed them in like 2015 when they renovated. 🛠️ So if I can still hear the music… that means… OH NO… 😰

~screams into a pile of glitter gel pens~ 🖊️✨ IT’S IN MY HEAD, BESTIE!!! 🧠🎵 THE MALL ISN’T HAUNTED!!! I’M HAUNTED!!! I’M THE ONE WITH THE OVERHEAD MUSIC IN MY BRAIN!!!

~collapses onto the floor in a dramatic heap~ 🫠 And that’s worse, bestie. That’s SO MUCH WORSE. Because that means I can never escape it. 🏃‍♀️💨 I can never get away. The mall music is IN ME now. It’s PART OF ME. It’s MY SOUNDTRACK!!! 🎧💖

~suddenly sits up with a new determination~ 💪 …You know what, bestie? Fine. If the mall music is part of me, then I’m going to OWN IT. I’m going to turn it up. 🔊 I’m going to dance to it. 💃 I’m going to let it play!!!

~stands up dramatically like I’m about to perform the greatest show of my life~ 🌟 So here’s what I’m going to do, bestie. I’m going to go back to the mall. 🏬 I’m going to stand in the middle of the food court. 🍕🥤 And I’m going to sing. 🎤 I’m going to sing every *NSYNC song I know at the top of my lungs until the mall music either joins in or gives up!!! 🎶🏳️

And if the overhead speakers start talking to me again? 🔊 I’ll talk back, bestie. 🗣️ I’ll tell them that I’m sorry about the glitter. ✨ I’ll tell them that I forgive myself. 💖 I’ll tell them that I love them and that I miss them and that I’m ready to come home!!! 🏬😭

~dramatic hair flip that sends glitter flying everywhere~ 💁‍♀️✨ And if none of that works, bestie? Then I’m moving into the mall. 📦🏬 I’m setting up a blog kiosk next to the old Limited Too. 💻🛍️ And I’m never leaving!!!

~whispers one final thought~ 🤫 …But like… what if the mall doesn’t WANT me back??? 🥺🏬

~adjusts bedazzled headband with the gravity of a woman who has just accepted her destiny~ 👑✨ And that, bestie, is the truth. The mall truth. 🏬 The overhead music truth. 🎵 The only truth that matters.

~whispers while staring into the distance like I can see the mall from here~ 👁️🏬 Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go listen to my *NSYNC CDs 💿 and also maybe cry into a Cinnabon 🍥😭 and also possibly move into the mall!!! 📦🛍️

~final dramatic pose~ 🌟 The mall music lives in me now, bestie. 🎶💖 And I live in the mall music!!!

~zips up my emotional support hoodie with the ceremonial gravity of a woman who has just changed the world~ 🧥🌎💖✨🎵🏚️