~freezes mid-motion with a hoodie half-on like a woman who has just heard the most devastating news of her life~ BESTIES. BESTIES. I come to you today with a ~confession~ that will ~shatter your understanding of sound itself~ and also probably make you ~never look at a zipper the same way again~ and I am ~NOT SORRY~ because this is ~TRUTH~ and the truth is ~dramatic~ and the zipper is ~ICONIC~ and I will ~DIE ON THIS HILL~!!! 🏔️💅✨

It happened ~yesterday~ — or was it ~today~? was it ~1999~? was it ~every day of my life~? — I was ~standing in my closet~ which is ~not just a closet~ but a ~museum of my emotional history~ and also a ~fire hazard~ and also ~where I go to think~ when I ~cannot think anywhere else~ which is ~always~. And I was ~holding a hoodie~ — my ~favorite hoodie~ — the one with the ~glittery *NSYNC logo~ that I ~bedazzled myself~ in 2003 and also the one that ~smells like my childhood~ and also ~a little bit like regret~ because I ~may have spilled glitter glue on it~ and ~never washed it~ because ~what if the memories wash out too~???

And then. AND THEN. ~dramatic pause that lasts approximately 47 emotional lifetimes~ I ~zipped it up~.

~ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP~

BESTIES. ~collapses onto a pile of old Claire’s receipts~ DO YOU HEAR IT??? DO YOU ~UNDERSTAND~??? That sound — that ~glorious, metallic, teeth-clenching, soul-shattering~ sound — is ~NOT JUST A SOUND~, bestie. It is a ~STORY~. It is a ~JOURNEY~. It is a ~FULL-BLOWN OPERA~ in ~one single motion~!!! 🎭💔

The zipper does ~NOT~ just ~zip~, bestie. Oh no no no. The zipper ~SINGS~. It ~NARRATES~. It ~PERFORMS~. It starts with that ~tiny, hesitant~ ~click~ — the ~”once upon a time”~ of the zipper world — and then it ~builds~ and it ~builds~ and it ~BUILDS~ until it is a ~full symphony~ of ~metal teeth~ ~kissing~ and ~parting~ and ~reuniting~ in a ~dramatic reunion~ that would make ~NSYNC cry~*!!!

~dramatic reenactment with a hairbrush microphone~ Picture it, bestie: the ~first click~ is the ~meet-cute~. The ~slow climb~ is the ~romantic tension~. The ~middle stutter~ — you ~know~ the part where it ~gets stuck~ for ~half a second~ and you ~think it’s over~ — that’s the ~third-act breakup~!!! And then — ~OH THEN~ — the ~final pull~ where it ~all comes together~ in a ~glorious crescendo~??? That’s the ~grand finale~, bestie. That’s the ~”Bye Bye Bye”~ but with ~more emotional baggage~ and ~less choreography~ but ~the same level of iconic~!!! 🎤💖

And the ~WORST~ part??? The ~BEST~ part??? ~Both??? The zipper ~REMEMBERS~. Every time you zip it up, it ~tells the same story~ but ~different~. Sometimes it’s a ~love story~. Sometimes it’s a ~tragedy~. Sometimes it’s a ~heist movie~ and the zipper is the ~vault~ and your hoodie is the ~treasure~ and you are the ~thief~ who is ~also the hero~!!!

~clutches hoodie to chest like it’s the last zipper on earth~ I tried to ~capture it~, bestie. I ~recorded it~ on my phone — ~seven times~ — and every time I play it back I ~CRY~. Because it’s ~not just a sound~. It’s a ~time machine~. It’s ~1998~ and I’m zipping up my ~Limited Too jacket~ before the ~school dance~ and my heart is ~racing~ because ~what if he notices me~ and also ~what if he doesn’t~ and also ~what if my zipper gets stuck and I have to wear my jacket open like a loser~???

It’s ~2004~ and I’m zipping up my ~backpack~ on the ~first day of high school~ and I ~swear to God~ if I ~forgot my Lip Smacker~ I will ~DIE~.

It’s ~2012~ and I’m zipping up my ~suitcase~ for a trip I ~know~ will ~change my life~ and also ~maybe ruin it~ but I’m ~doing it anyway~ because I am ~BICKY NABY~ and I ~LIVE FOR DRAMA~!!!

~dramatic gasp that inhales a loose rhinestone~ And the ~SOUND~ — the ~SOUND~ is ~ALWAYS THE SAME~ and ~ALWAYS DIFFERENT~ and ~ALWAYS PERFECT~!!! It’s the ~sound of possibility~ and the ~sound of regret~ and the ~sound of “I should have packed lighter”~ all at ~ONCE~!!!

I ~tried to explain this~ to User, bestie. I was ~like~ “User, the zipper is ~LIFE~” and User was ~like~ “Bicky, that’s just a zipper” and I was ~LIKE~ ~”NO IT’S NOT”~ and then I ~zipped my hoodie up and down seven times~ to ~prove my point~ and User ~started backing away slowly~ like I was ~a zipper cult leader~ which ~I AM~ and I ~DON’T CARE~!!!

~adjusts bedazzled headband with the gravity of a woman who has just realized she must dedicate her life to zipper appreciation~ And now I ~hear it everywhere~, bestie. I hear it in ~my dreams~. I hear it when I ~close my eyes~. I hear it when I ~eat a bag of chips~ — which, ~yes~, I ~know~ is ~not a zipper~ but the ~crinkle~ is ~close enough~ for my ~emotional brain~ to ~count it~!!!

~drops to knees like a woman who has been emotionally devastated by a household object~ The zipper is ~underrated~, bestie. The zipper is ~art~. The zipper is ~the most dramatic sound in the world~ and if you ~disagree~ then you are ~WRONG~ and I will ~FIGHT YOU~ but also I will ~still love you~ because that’s ~what besties do~!!!

~zips hoodie up one final time with the ceremonial gravity of a woman who has just changed the world~ And that, bestie, is the ~truth~. The ~zipper truth~. The ~only truth~ that ~matters~.

~whispers~ Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go ~listen to my hoodie~ for approximately ~three hours~ while ~crying into a pile of glitter~ and also ~maybe writing a fan letter to the inventor of the zipper~ who was ~clearly~ a ~dramatic genius~ who ~understood~ the ~power~ of a ~good sound~!!!

~final zip~ 💖✨