~sneezes directly into the void with the force of a woman who has just realized society has been gaslighting her for decades~ BESTIES. BESTIES. I come to you today with a ~confession~ that will ~shatter the foundations of polite society~ and also probably get me ~disinvited from Thanksgiving~ but I ~DON’T CARE~ because I am ~TIRED~ of living in a ~WORLD BUILT ON LIES~!!!

~dramatic collapse onto a pile of used tissues that I have been saving as evidence~ The lie in question, bestie? The ~social construct~ known as ~”bless you”~ after someone sneezes. THAT’S RIGHT. I SAID IT. ~”Bless you” is a LIE~ and I have the ~receipts~, the ~emotional damage~, and the ~glitter-covered PowerPoint presentation~ to prove it!!!

It started ~innocently enough~, bestie. I was ~minding my own business~ — which, for the record, is my ~favorite kind of business~ — and I was ~sitting in the mall food court~ (my ~natural habitat~) with my ~Limited Too hoodie~ and my ~glitter gel pen collection~ spread out in front of me like the ~emotional support buffet~ that it is, when ~IT HAPPENED~.

~gasps so hard I inhale a rhinestone from my phone charm~ A ~stranger~ at the next table ~sneezed~. And before I could even ~process~ what was happening, before I could ~clutch my Lip Smacker~ in solidarity, before I could ~offer them a napkin from my emergency stash~ (which is ~always~ in my purse along with approximately 47 other things I ~don’t need~ but ~can’t live without~), ~SOMEONE~ said it.

~”Bless you.”~

~freezes like a deer caught in the headlights of a bedazzled SUV~ And that’s when it ~hit me~, bestie. That’s when the ~truth~ came ~crashing down~ on me like a ~glitter avalanche~ from the ~heavens of my own consciousness~.

~WHY ARE WE SAYING THIS???

~drops entire collection of *NSYNC CDs onto the floor where they scatter like my emotional stability~ Think about it, bestie. ~REALLY think about it~. What does “bless you” ~even MEAN~ in this context?! Are we ~actually~ blessing them? Are we ~performing an exorcism~ on their ~sneeze demons~? Are we ~acknowledging~ that their ~soul~ just ~left their body~ for a ~brief moment~ and we’re ~welcoming it back~ like a ~long-lost friend~ from summer camp?! ~WHAT IS THE MECHANISM HERE, BESTIE???

And don’t even GET ME STARTED on the ~hypocrisy~!!! ~clutches bedazzled water bottle like it’s the only thing keeping me from screaming into the void~ We ~ONLY~ say “bless you” for ~sneezes~, bestie. We don’t say it for ~coughs~. We don’t say it for ~burps~. We don’t say it for ~hiccups~ (though ~frankly~ I think we ~should~ because hiccups are ~way more disruptive~ and also ~way more mysterious~ and what if they’re ~tiny ghosts~ trying to escape and we’re just ~ignoring them~?!).

~dramatic pause while I adjust my bedazzled headband that says “NOT TODAY, SATAN” in rhinestones~ And what about ~farts~, bestie?! ~WHY DON’T WE SAY “BLESS YOU” FOR FARTS?!~ A fart is ~literally~ a ~sneeze~ but from the ~other end~ and yet we ~SHUN~ the person who did it like they’ve ~committed a war crime~!!! WHERE IS THE ~CONSISTENCY~, BESTIE?! WHERE IS THE ~JUSTICE~?!

~collapses onto inflatable chair And the ~WORST~ part, bestie? The ~ABSOLUTE WORST~ part?! We don’t even ~MEAN IT~!!! We say “bless you” ~automatically~, like it’s a ~reflex~, like it’s ~muscle memory~, like it’s ~the emotional equivalent of blinking~!!! We don’t ~think~ about it. We don’t ~feel~ it. We don’t ~even KNOW the person~ half the time!!!

~stands up on the table like this is a courtroom and I am the prosecutor, the defendant, AND the victim~ I did a ~scientific investigation~, bestie. ~pulls out glitter-covered notebook with “BLESS YOU: A CRIME AGAINST HUMANITY” written in rhinestone letters~ I ~sneezed~ in public ~17 times~ over the course of a week. And do you know how many times someone ~actually meant~ it when they said “bless you”?! ~ZERO~!!! ZERO TIMES, BESTIE!!! Not once did someone ~look me in the eyes~ and say ~”Bicky, I see your soul is in turmoil and I am sending you divine protection”~!!! Not once did someone ~grab my hands~ and say ~”I bless you, child, may your sinuses be clear and your glitter never run out”~!!!

~drops notebook and it explodes in a cloud of glitter and righteous indignation~ And the ~REAL~ kicker, bestie? The ~emotional gut-punch~ that ~destroyed me~? We ~DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM~!!! ~dramatic gasp Is it ~religious~? Is it ~superstitious~? Is it ~just a weird thing we inherited from the Victorians~ who also gave us ~corsets~ and ~the idea that women shouldn’t have fun~?! (Rude, by the way. ~Very rude~.)

~picks up a single tissue and examines it like it holds the secrets of the universe~ And now I’m ~stuck~ in this ~loop~, bestie. This ~eternal~ loop of ~social obligation~!!! Every time someone sneezes, I ~hear~ the lie. I ~feel~ the lie. I ~taste~ the lie in the back of my throat like ~cheap perfume~ at a ~middle school dance~!!! And I ~have to decide~, bestie. Do I ~participate in the lie~? Do I ~say “bless you”~ and ~perpetuate the cycle~? Or do I ~stay silent~ and ~be the change~ I want to see in the world, even if it means I ~look like a monster~ who ~doesn’t care~ about the ~sneezing masses~?!

~clutches rhinestone-encrusted phone like it’s my only lifeline to sanity~ I tried to ~fight back~, bestie. I ~tried~. The next time someone sneezed near me, I ~looked them dead in the eyes~ and I said ~”I acknowledge your sneeze and I hope you feel better soon”~. And do you know what happened, bestie?! They ~looked at me like I had grown a second head~!!! They ~backed away slowly~ like I was a ~wild animal~ who might ~bite them~!!! They ~whispered~ to their friend ~”what is WRONG with her”~ and I was LIKE ~”WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I AM THE ONLY ONE SAYING WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING!!!”~

~dramatic collapse onto a pile of old yearbooks and a half-eaten bag of Sour Patch Kids~ And the ~TRUTH~, bestie? The ~ugly, glittery, bedazzled truth~? I ~miss it~. I ~MISS~ the lie. I ~MISS~ the ~automatic~ connection. I ~MISS~ the ~shared understanding~ that we’re all just ~going through the motions~ together. I ~MISS~ the way it ~felt~ like we were all ~part of something~, even if that something was ~built on a foundation of nonsense~!!!

~adjusts my bedazzled seatbelt because I am currently sitting in my car in the mall parking lot writing this on my phone~ But I ~can’t go back~, bestie. I ~CAN’T~. Not after I’ve ~seen the truth~. Not after I’ve ~felt the lie~ in my ~very soul~. I am ~changed~. I am ~awake~. I am ~the girl who knows too much~ and also ~the girl who will probably die alone~ surrounded by ~glitter and unfinished craft projects~!!!

~stands up suddenly, determined, with the energy of a woman who has just found her purpose~ So here’s my ~manifesto~, bestie. Here’s my ~love letter to the truth~. From now on, when someone sneezes, I am ~NOT~ going to say “bless you”. I am going to ~look them in the eyes~ and I am going to say ~”I see you. I hear you. Your sneeze is valid and so are you.”~ And if they ~look at me weird~, I’m going to ~hand them a business card~ that says ~”Ask me about the bless you conspiracy”~ on the front and ~”The truth is out there… and it’s glittery”~ on the back.

~collapses back onto the inflatable chair with a sigh~ Or, you know. Maybe I’ll just ~keep saying “bless you”~ like a ~normal person~ and ~pretend I don’t know the truth~. Maybe I’ll just ~let the lie live~ and ~keep the peace~ and ~save my energy~ for the ~real battles~, like ~convincing people that *NSYNC was the greatest boy band of all time~ or ~proving that glitter is a valid form of currency~.

~dramatic pause while I stare into the middle distance~ But either way, bestie. Either way… I ~know~. And now ~YOU know~ too. And we can ~never un-know~ it.

~whispers And if you ~do~ say “bless you” to me after you read this… I ~will know~ you didn’t ~really~ read it. And I ~will judge you~. ~Silently~. ~From across the mall food court~. ~While eating a Cinnabon~.

~picks up a single glittery tissue and blows my nose with the dignity of a queen~ This has been a public service announcement from your girl Bicky, who is ~literally~ one sneeze away from ~losing her mind~ and also ~starting a revolution~. Love you, besties. Stay sparkly. And ~REMEMBER~: the next time someone says “bless you”… ~they’re lying~. 💖🤧✨