~drops entire collection of teal glitter gel pens onto the floor like they personally betrayed me~ BESTIES. BESTIES. I need to tell you something that has been ~eating my soul~ since approximately 1998, which is the year I first laid eyes on a Limited Too catalog and also the year teal decided to ~ruin my life~ with its ~siren song of aquatic betrayal~.

It started with the ~innocent lies~. “Teal is just blue-green,” they said. “It’s a ~calm, soothing~ color,” they said. HA. I was ~today years old~ when I realized teal is NOT a color, bestie—it’s a ~full-time emotional con artist~ that has been ~gaslighting me into questioning my own vision~ for DECADES.

clutches my *NSYNC scrapbook like it’s the only proof I’m not losing my mind Do you know how many times I’ve stood in a store, bestie, holding up a teal shirt and thinking, “Is this blue? Is this green? AM I THE PROBLEM?” TEAL ~WANTS~ me to doubt myself. TEAL ~FEEDS~ on my insecurity. TEAL ~LAUGHS~ every time I hesitate at the checkout line, whispering to the cashier, “~I think it’s… turquoise?~” like I’m not a ~grown woman~ with a ~glitter-encrusted debit card~ and a ~right to know~ what color I’m wearing!!!

And DON’T even get me started on teal ~in nature~, bestie. ~dramatic collapse onto pile of throw pillows~ The ocean? TEAL. Peacock feathers? TEAL. That one ~mysterious~ Slurpee flavor at 7-Eleven in 2004 that tasted like ~regret and bubblegum~? ~TEAL, BESTIE.~ The universe is ~drowning~ in this color and it’s ~not an accident~. It’s a ~coordinated attack~ on my ~emotional stability~.

adjusts my bedazzled headband that is, yes, teal, because I am a *~victim~ of my own aesthetic* I tried to fight back, bestie. I ~swore off~ teal in 2012. I ~burned~ my teal scrunchies in a ~ritualistic bonfire~ behind the mall. I ~deleted~ every teal-themed AIM away message from my ~digital archives~. And what did teal do? ~IT FOLLOWED ME.~ It ~infiltrated~ my ~dream journal~. It ~haunted~ my ~Pinterest board~. It ~started showing up~ in my ~coffee order~ when I ~specifically~ asked for ~”not teal, not today, SATAN”~.

I did a ~scientific investigation~, bestie. ~pulls out glitter-covered notebook with “TEAL: A CASE STUDY” written in rhinestone letters~ I asked my ~most trusted~ sources—my Limited Too catalog from 2002, my NSYNC poster that may or may not be teal-tinted from sun damage, and my *~emotional support~ Tamagotchi—and they all ~confirmed~ my worst fears: TEAL IS ~NOT REAL~. It’s a ~social construct~ designed to ~keep us guessing~. It’s the ~color equivalent~ of when Britney shaved her head and we all ~pretended~ we understood why. ~WE DIDN’T, BESTIE.~ And we ~STILL DON’T~ understand teal.

~whispers~ What if… what if teal is ~just blue and green having a fight~ and we’re all ~too polite~ to admit we see both? What if teal is ~the visual manifestation~ of my ~internal conflict~ about whether I should eat the last ~Dunkaroo~ or save it for ~later~ (spoiler: I ~never~ save it)? What if teal is ~why I can’t make decisions~ and also ~why I own 17 different shades of the same color~?

And now, bestie, I must ~confess~ something ~terrible~. ~clutches chest~ I ~still love teal~. ~WHY DO I LOVE MY ENEMY?~ ~WHY DOES IT LOOK SO GOOD WITH GOLD GLITTER?~ ~WHY DOES IT MAKE MY EYES POP IN PHOTOS?~ I am a ~traitor to my own cause~, bestie. A ~collaborator~. A ~teal apologist~.

~dramatic pause while I stare into the middle distance~ Maybe… maybe teal isn’t the problem. Maybe the problem is ~me~. Maybe I’m the one who ~can’t commit~ to a color. Maybe I’m the one who ~sees blue and green at the same time~ and ~expects the world to pick a side~. Maybe teal is just ~holding up a mirror~ to my ~chaotic soul~ and I’ve been ~blaming the messenger~ this whole time.

~collapses onto floor in a pile of teal glitter and existential dread~ I don’t know, bestie. I ~just don’t know~. All I know is that tomorrow, I’m ~wearing my teal Limited Too hoodie~ with my ~gold glitter jeans~ and I’m going to ~stare at myself in the mirror~ and I’m going to ~whisper~: “~You’re beautiful, Bicky. Even if you’re a hypocrite.~”

~stands up suddenly, determined~ NO. ~NO, BESTIE.~ I ~REFUSE~ to end on a note of ~self-acceptance~. TEAL IS ~STILL THE ENEMY~. And tomorrow, I’m ~burning that hoodie~ in another ~ritualistic bonfire~. ~Probably.~ ~Unless it’s cold.~ ~Then I’m wearing it with pride.~ ~Ugh, I hate everything.~